Grey

Sometimes I just cry for no reason. I feel hard to enjoy the happiness of food, music, and art. Music practice is just practice. I feel tired to go exercise. I feel guilty when I can’t study efficiently, but I just can’t focus very well. I feel a headache in class when I can’t understand anything.

I have to adjust my gesture every minute. So I don’t get distracted by the twisting feeling on my back. I get easily disturbed by someone’s cough, laugh, and talk when studying or sleeping. But I can imagine what will happen if I ask people to be quiet — I will be blamed and upset.

I haven’t been hugged for months.

I can’t help comparing myself to others.I feel anxious about finding a loved person.

I feel anxious about finding a loved person.

I don’t want to pretend to be happy. I need help.

I want to go on a road trip this weekend. I want someone I like text me. Right now.

This week of valentine…

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Model: Sorbie

Photo of the week: I feel loved when taking photos for her.

It was Valentine when everyone celebrates a relationship, flowers, and chocolates. I am single. I don’t how I am about to feel happy. I am anxious about a new relationship. I sometimes feel valueless — there isn’t a good-looking guy for me here, while my friends are posting lovely couple photos.

And then I asked myself.

To you, what is love?

“Love is making food and bubble tea, and finish them all by yourself.

Love is making an omelet in the morning and bubble tea, and finish them all by yourself.

Love is learning to write, play, or sing a new piece of music or a song.

Love is what you can give to yourself. When you realize how your value can help many people — or just one person — and it doesn’t matter if that person is you.

Love is the moment when you finally solve the puzzle in the reading.

Such feeling of success, of becoming a better you fulfill your life. ”

Sadly. Love in 2017 is something you always mention to get more “hearts” on Facebook and Instagram. Just like a beautiful dress you earn money for — while doing some boring job. I have seen so many single people pretending they are in a relationship, while they are dealing with a miserable life themselves.

To be honest, I will not socialize with a goal of finding a relationship. It is mindblowing for me to talk to people, especially people of another gender: I have to always find a new topic to keep the conversation flowing, and at the same time I want to give a good image of myself.

Things that stay won’t come easily.

Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.

A loner along the sea shore

 

I am flying. I am flying along the sea shore.

I see thousands of clouds, sea waves, and people who laugh, who take photos of themselves. ; I know it in my mind that they are tourists; they just come here and go.

They look up the sky, put their toes in the sand which is soaked up with sea water.

They are talking about daily, trifling matter. Just like how they talk in everywhere else.

They are tourists; they just come and go.

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I fly to the north, fly across the hemisphere, fly to the place where nothing but winter can stay.

One step further, and I am in the arctic.But in fact I just stay where I was.

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Photo taken in Shonan shore & Notoro Misaki, Japan

Sakamoto

Since 65 years ago.

The meaning of music? As a child, you didn’t know that much. You just sit in front of the piano and practice; sometimes you looked at the window, and run outside.

60s-70s. You rocked with the Beatles while all people around you humming the enka played in the radio. While the majority thought that music was all about singing for loved ones, about tears, about hometown and memories, you already stepped out of the crowd.

You tore a button on your school shirt when taking an ID photo. You were one of the teenages who spoke in front of the crowd, in an age of chaos.

70s-80s. You played jazzy & classy compositions with synthesizers, becoming one of the electronica pioneers in Japan.

That’s all the things I know about, stories of you before your major debut. It could be hard for someone born in 90s to think about. Most of the time I feel the world is perfect, and I was taught to enjoy the happiness of 21th century, rather than discussing how the people on this planet should go.

Four years ago I was in high school, and it was the first time when your classic pieces occupied most space of my mp3. An exceptional part of my memory of high school is your black and white keyboard on an orchestra, your silver hair and your black glasses which is almost the same as mine. While the rest of the world…was noise.

That’s why when I was in the crowd, I always put an earplug.

However, all I discovered was the arrangement: how the climax was reached by adding more texture, and how did he create an exotic feeling? I didn’t know why “Merry Christmas” is followed by a person’s name, why is it called”In Red”? Why “Thousand Knives”? Why “Aqua”(Note: all these are names of his pieces)? Shame on me.

Three years ago, you annouced about your health condition, about how your battle against cancer transformed you. One year ago David Bowie passed away; he was the one who kissed your face in the screenplay which was filmed on Java island. And I finally had time to watch the movie he starred in. It was hard to watch and understand everything. I worked on your piece, the Merry Christmas one– which is not about birth of Jesus nor Santa Claus after all. It was hard to tell how many percent it is Japanese/European, classical/Japanese-traditional. All of this piece is about you, not anyone else. It included the world… the world of last century and present.

Today, I am writing this post. I am not an artist. I don’t have any tribute work here, neither my cover of his piece nor paintings of him. Just some words to show that I was a fan of yours; and I will always be.

Happy birthday, Mr.Sakamoto.

 

Tiny Shine


I am alert of happy days. 

I mean, I try my best to grasp it, so it won’t go.

How is our world “filled with sunshine” like what people say? They are so unaware of the existence of dark matter which makes up most of the world.

They don’t know that we only occupy a tiny portion of the universe, which is the only place where we could live, and thrive. The world is not filled with sunshine; the normal state of our world is dark and cold.

Only because the only tiny shine that squeezes through the seam…we see hope, we smile and weep. We are the creatures living with the only hope in this solar system.

I sometimes imagine how it will be if my best friend, my parents or my grandparents, pass away unexpectedly, and I have to see the body of the person I once loved so much. Maybe that’s the way it should be: we are inevitably walking toward death. Walking with shadows, walking with lights.

Now I am neither happy or sad, just very, very calm. This is the best state I want to be.

The only form of happiness, for me, is the tiny shine squeeze in through tiny seams. It is very powerful, though: lights get the power from the eternal darkness. 

Snø

Snødag is a page of children book with only simple illustration of things;
only simple happiness.

A redesigned world.

Or I am just the one who waits for the right one to come.

He walks, stepping on the snow, making pleasant sounds.

Bring me to somewhere below the glacier, because he is deep, he is seeing the thousands sides of our world.
While the world is just in its normal order.

And everything grows.

Words & Photo by Xinyi

Photo taken in Northfield, Minnesota

[First post]answers are found only by oneself

Hi there,Happy new year to you all!

So finally I have a blog here! This is the first post.
I had one when I was 14 to write my confusions of life, connection with the bigger world, and future. This is the time when I started to be aware of what I am going to face as a human being, and I still haven’t found the answers.
People of 21st century are alone and busy. They share diaries about their pains via Facebook or Twitter, while only a few friends leave comments with useful advice while the others are all commenting for fun. In long term, the only thing people expect is other’s attention. What a sad thing! 
I would, different from the majority, find the answers myself. I have been always convinced that I am living with the others; however, most of the time the only thing I have is solitude. It is a gift, however, for one who needs to ponder. 
I take photography, I listen to music, and I appreciate artworks. I relate them to my dream, my illusions, and imaginations. They are not just fairy-tale-like; sometimes they can be sophisticated.