For the first time, I searched “is this world getting worse?” 

Recently I can’t help remembering the past, I listen to the music, watch the films that are part of my childhood memory. 

Unfortunately my effort is never going to revive the old time. If the places I dreamed once can be found in the true world, they will always gonna be impure. 

Because the world is getting worse, or maybe it’s because of me. As I grow up I can’t help seeing the dark side of everything. What for? I don’t want anyone see the bad thing of me, especially people I like the most. But no one wants me to be like that. Totally unnecessary effort of self-torture. 

I just want to be happy by myself now.


I was thinking about doing visual kei makeup and kimono for Prez Ball in order to look unique. But I know it only makes me a weirdo and people will be staring at me, because I have done this in a new year ball when I was in high school. 

So, tonight I stayed with myself. I called my parents about my thoughts, and they told me that if I don’t fit with this world, I should choose to fit with myself because I’m going to create a new one. 


IMG_2173This is my phone number. I have been using it for 10 years since I got my first phone. It was in primary school, when we trust people and make new friends easily. When we graduate in 2009, we told each other: we are friends now and forever. I promised from my heart that even after several decades, they are able to stay in touch with me.

I still believe that one day someone who has my phone number will remember me, and want to message me, how are you doing? As we grow up, we all moved to different places, greet new people and find new experiences. We learn the stradegies to stay on the top and not get defeated, we learn what the others are actually saying… Our focus is more on ourselves.

I still use that phone number. Sometimes I pick up unknown calls with some expectations and excitement, but all I get is spams. I wonder where these people, the people I once trusted and wanted to be friends with forever, disappeared.

Time keeps killing us.


This one is serious.

Mom just skyped me yesterday that she and my dad plan to move to Hangzhou, my dad’s hometown due to the health condition of my grandpa and grandma. They will soon find new jobs and say goodbye to the apartment in Beijing, where we have lived since I was 4. 

I had my personal room in this home until last year when my parents decided to refurnish the entire home. At that time I just enrolled the college in another country. The bed I used for 10 years and the desk I used for about 15 years were all sold. When I was back for summer — I don’t see anything that evoke my memory about my home, where I played with my friends, quarreled with my parents, …

My grandparents… I love them. I love their food and pocket money, but most importantly, they devote themselves to their children as well as the children of their children(that is me and my cousin). They are getting older. One day I will see someone who I have get used to seeing them every year disappear… Things we think will always be here are eventually going to fade away. The house, the school we treated as second home, the city we live in, and at the end our family. 

Your time is limited. Use every second to love, stay alive. I’m serious.

Let me sit and rest a while.

img_6469Weeks ago, friends of mine were on their trips to some Carribean islands while I had two midterms to work on. It was such a pain when browsing a news feed filled with smiley faces, bikinis, coconut juice and sunshine, when I was still struggling with seasonal affective disorder and so many deadlines.

I silently deactivated my Facebook account temporarily and reactivated it one week ago. When it is finally spring break, I took my camera with me and began my trip to Seattle.

This is how a day I had as a “life traveler who enjoys the beauty of life, who love beautiful things and people”:

Use Google Map to explore the best places to see, and the best restaurant to eat. Find the best route to everywhere. When finally arrives at a place, I post “My Story” on Instagram first. I take photos, and then leave immediately and move on to the next place. When I am tired, I sit down and find electronic outlets for my phone. It is hard to tell what I have really learned besides running to everywhere with my roomie. What is the thing we are enjoying?

It is hard to tell what I have really learned besides running to everywhere with my roomie. What is the thing we are enjoying? Hard to tell. It is harder and harder for a heart to calm down nowadays, when people love good appearance so much, while people with knowledge are ignored.

But it is also about myself: for years, I enjoyed pleasing people so much as a loner — when people like my photos on social media, it can make my day. And so, I try to take good photos to please my friends, especially the ones I want to get closer to. What’s the meaning of that? I haven’t really get closer to those people simply because I was not good enough.

I want to be better. I want to stop living in a world with so many people watching me. Life is so tiring, so meaningless like that.

Travel alone, live a happy life, learn a lot of things and tell no one. People ruin beautiful things.

A loner along the sea shore


I am flying. I am flying along the sea shore.

I see thousands of clouds, sea waves, and people who laugh, who take photos of themselves. ; I know it in my mind that they are tourists; they just come here and go.

They look up the sky, put their toes in the sand which is soaked up with sea water.

They are talking about daily, trifling matter. Just like how they talk in everywhere else.

They are tourists; they just come and go.

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I fly to the north, fly across the hemisphere, fly to the place where nothing but winter can stay.

One step further, and I am in the arctic.But in fact I just stay where I was.


Photo taken in Shonan shore & Notoro Misaki, Japan


Since 65 years ago.

The meaning of music? As a child, you didn’t know that much. You just sit in front of the piano and practice; sometimes you looked at the window, and run outside.

60s-70s. You rocked with the Beatles while all people around you humming the enka played in the radio. While the majority thought that music was all about singing for loved ones, about tears, about hometown and memories, you already stepped out of the crowd.

You tore a button on your school shirt when taking an ID photo. You were one of the teenages who spoke in front of the crowd, in an age of chaos.

70s-80s. You played jazzy & classy compositions with synthesizers, becoming one of the electronica pioneers in Japan.

That’s all the things I know about, stories of you before your major debut. It could be hard for someone born in 90s to think about. Most of the time I feel the world is perfect, and I was taught to enjoy the happiness of 21th century, rather than discussing how the people on this planet should go.

Four years ago I was in high school, and it was the first time when your classic pieces occupied most space of my mp3. An exceptional part of my memory of high school is your black and white keyboard on an orchestra, your silver hair and your black glasses which is almost the same as mine. While the rest of the world…was noise.

That’s why when I was in the crowd, I always put an earplug.

However, all I discovered was the arrangement: how the climax was reached by adding more texture, and how did he create an exotic feeling? I didn’t know why “Merry Christmas” is followed by a person’s name, why is it called”In Red”? Why “Thousand Knives”? Why “Aqua”(Note: all these are names of his pieces)? Shame on me.

Three years ago, you annouced about your health condition, about how your battle against cancer transformed you. One year ago David Bowie passed away; he was the one who kissed your face in the screenplay which was filmed on Java island. And I finally had time to watch the movie he starred in. It was hard to watch and understand everything. I worked on your piece, the Merry Christmas one– which is not about birth of Jesus nor Santa Claus after all. It was hard to tell how many percent it is Japanese/European, classical/Japanese-traditional. All of this piece is about you, not anyone else. It included the world… the world of last century and present.

Today, I am writing this post. I am not an artist. I don’t have any tribute work here, neither my cover of his piece nor paintings of him. Just some words to show that I was a fan of yours; and I will always be.

Happy birthday, Mr.Sakamoto.


Tiny Shine

I am alert of happy days. 

I mean, I try my best to grasp it, so it won’t go.

How is our world “filled with sunshine” like what people say? They are so unaware of the existence of dark matter which makes up most of the world.

They don’t know that we only occupy a tiny portion of the universe, which is the only place where we could live, and thrive. The world is not filled with sunshine; the normal state of our world is dark and cold.

Only because the only tiny shine that squeezes through the seam…we see hope, we smile and weep. We are the creatures living with the only hope in this solar system.

I sometimes imagine how it will be if my best friend, my parents or my grandparents, pass away unexpectedly, and I have to see the body of the person I once loved so much. Maybe that’s the way it should be: we are inevitably walking toward death. Walking with shadows, walking with lights.

Now I am neither happy or sad, just very, very calm. This is the best state I want to be.

The only form of happiness, for me, is the tiny shine squeeze in through tiny seams. It is very powerful, though: lights get the power from the eternal darkness. 


Snødag is a page of children book with only simple illustration of things;
only simple happiness.

A redesigned world.

Or I am just the one who waits for the right one to come.

He walks, stepping on the snow, making pleasant sounds.

Bring me to somewhere below the glacier, because he is deep, he is seeing the thousands sides of our world.
While the world is just in its normal order.

And everything grows.

Words & Photo by Xinyi

Photo taken in Northfield, Minnesota

[First post]answers are found only by oneself

Hi there,Happy new year to you all!

So finally I have a blog here! This is the first post.
I had one when I was 14 to write my confusions of life, connection with the bigger world, and future. This is the time when I started to be aware of what I am going to face as a human being, and I still haven’t found the answers.
People of 21st century are alone and busy. They share diaries about their pains via Facebook or Twitter, while only a few friends leave comments with useful advice while the others are all commenting for fun. In long term, the only thing people expect is other’s attention. What a sad thing! 
I would, different from the majority, find the answers myself. I have been always convinced that I am living with the others; however, most of the time the only thing I have is solitude. It is a gift, however, for one who needs to ponder. 
I take photography, I listen to music, and I appreciate artworks. I relate them to my dream, my illusions, and imaginations. They are not just fairy-tale-like; sometimes they can be sophisticated.