Birthday

Just before my 20th birthday, on my way to the airport for my flight to Iceland, I saw a passage about Natalie Portman. She has the same birthday as mine, June 9. And she is such a flawless individual that I can never become.

I have been thinking about my future sometimes but most of the time I am in chaos. I have never been extraordinary in any field since I was young. Now, maybe also after graduation, in a country I was not born in… I have to handle everything.

I have made many mistakes so far. I met wrong people and made wrong decisions… I blame everything that happens to me, believe that all my problems is others’ fault, while never try to fix it. In real world where we set standard for great people, discriminating each other while calling for equality… I don’t fit in with any these standards. And thus I am negative, hard to feel confident about myself. At this point I will tell “I wish I can be as pretty, skinny and I wish I was born Jewish like Natalie” so that I could be flawless like her.

For 20 years I was a negative individual. Maybe this is some bad luck when I was born, I was not able to befriend with everyone and I was always judged of being grumpy… so I try everything to please people around me, but at the same time I lost myself. While people left me alone, without actually thinking about me… I haven’t actually do something to achieve a better me. I don’t know what “being yourself” means, is that remaining as an imperfect person, or becoming a gem?
I complain a lot here, because I always feel uncomfortable with my life. I wasn’t born and raised in perfect conditions for “prodigies”… and I have to live a life worse than those who I admire. I mean, I have to. I feel myself someone in a empty church with all windows and doors sealed. This is where I was. I hit myself against the wall, screamed, and try to rip everything off the wall… and one day I broke a window… and the sunlight came in. Now it is actually the time to look around me where it was dark, to find something new. And I have to find an exit.

I’m glad that I know so many great people here in my college. They help me to know to that I’m not alone, and I’m not as badass as I have imagined… I find a direction for my studies and I am going further and further. I will be traveling in where I love, doing what I love. Someone is going to appreciate me. But I don’t break the window and find the exit — I never will.

I will not be the same as Natalie. But I am gonna be respected by some people as extraordinary.

One day.

Imagine.

Love of people is a necessity for me, just like the love of food, music, and nature. I fall in love with someone for many reasons, such as the culture he/she belongs to, his/her talent in art and music, etc. And I try to connect to them, so they have a place for me in their hearts too. However, it isn’t always like this.

However, it isn’t always like this. Isshi, visual rock musician from Japan, passed away 6 years ago. My Norwegian friends and Finnish friends always hang out with the people who do the same things like them, which is not what I am doing. I am so tired of forcing myself loving something I am not interested. I will miss the speech by Erik Johansson in Helsingborg, while I planned to travel in Aarhus, Denmark. I wish I can hear him speaking his mother tongue, Swedish, and say hello.

Life is always like this. Imperfectness everywhere.

—–

But it isn’t that important now. I sat on the balcony and watch the sun, imagining Erik speaking Swedish to me, while I use my elementary Norwegian skills to reply him. Dreams are perfectly beautiful only when they don’t come true yet. My imagination of having a strong relationship with my favourite people lead me to somewhere I may never be, creating thousands of beautiful nights with tears. It is just so nice when I can do this. love someone without letting anyone know.

And thus I am good.

Clean

Attempt to take clean photos, like these on life magazines.

Life may be imperfect, but we express our hope via photography.

We travel like normal tourists. We followed the map, plan everything ahead of time, etc. We are kind of busy, but it doesn’t stop our eyes from discover good angle, and capture every unique moment.

March 19, Myrtle Edwards Park
March 20, Mt. Rainier
March 21, Chihuly Garden and Glass
March 21, Space Needle
March 23, Seattle Public Library
March 20, Pike Market
March 24, Argosy Cruises
March 25, in my hotel
March 24, Gum wall
March 25, The Quad in UW

This week of valentine…

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Model: Sorbie

Photo of the week: I feel loved when taking photos for her.

It was Valentine when everyone celebrates a relationship, flowers, and chocolates. I am single. I don’t how I am about to feel happy. I am anxious about a new relationship. I sometimes feel valueless — there isn’t a good-looking guy for me here, while my friends are posting lovely couple photos.

And then I asked myself.

To you, what is love?

“Love is making food and bubble tea, and finish them all by yourself.

Love is making an omelet in the morning and bubble tea, and finish them all by yourself.

Love is learning to write, play, or sing a new piece of music or a song.

Love is what you can give to yourself. When you realize how your value can help many people — or just one person — and it doesn’t matter if that person is you.

Love is the moment when you finally solve the puzzle in the reading.

Such feeling of success, of becoming a better you fulfill your life. ”

Sadly. Love in 2017 is something you always mention to get more “hearts” on Facebook and Instagram. Just like a beautiful dress you earn money for — while doing some boring job. I have seen so many single people pretending they are in a relationship, while they are dealing with a miserable life themselves.

To be honest, I will not socialize with a goal of finding a relationship. It is mindblowing for me to talk to people, especially people of another gender: I have to always find a new topic to keep the conversation flowing, and at the same time I want to give a good image of myself.

Things that stay won’t come easily.

Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.