Birthday

Just before my 20th birthday, on my way to the airport for my flight to Iceland, I saw a passage about Natalie Portman. She has the same birthday as mine, June 9. And she is such a flawless individual that I can never become.

I have been thinking about my future sometimes but most of the time I am in chaos. I have never been extraordinary in any field since I was young. Now, maybe also after graduation, in a country I was not born in… I have to handle everything.

I have made many mistakes so far. I met wrong people and made wrong decisions… I blame everything that happens to me, believe that all my problems is others’ fault, while never try to fix it. In real world where we set standard for great people, discriminating each other while calling for equality… I don’t fit in with any these standards. And thus I am negative, hard to feel confident about myself. At this point I will tell “I wish I can be as pretty, skinny and I wish I was born Jewish like Natalie” so that I could be flawless like her.

For 20 years I was a negative individual. Maybe this is some bad luck when I was born, I was not able to befriend with everyone and I was always judged of being grumpy… so I try everything to please people around me, but at the same time I lost myself. While people left me alone, without actually thinking about me… I haven’t actually do something to achieve a better me. I don’t know what “being yourself” means, is that remaining as an imperfect person, or becoming a gem?
I complain a lot here, because I always feel uncomfortable with my life. I wasn’t born and raised in perfect conditions for “prodigies”… and I have to live a life worse than those who I admire. I mean, I have to. I feel myself someone in a empty church with all windows and doors sealed. This is where I was. I hit myself against the wall, screamed, and try to rip everything off the wall… and one day I broke a window… and the sunlight came in. Now it is actually the time to look around me where it was dark, to find something new. And I have to find an exit.

I’m glad that I know so many great people here in my college. They help me to know to that I’m not alone, and I’m not as badass as I have imagined… I find a direction for my studies and I am going further and further. I will be traveling in where I love, doing what I love. Someone is going to appreciate me. But I don’t break the window and find the exit — I never will.

I will not be the same as Natalie. But I am gonna be respected by some people as extraordinary.

One day.

Imagine.

Love of people is a necessity for me, just like the love of food, music, and nature. I fall in love with someone for many reasons, such as the culture he/she belongs to, his/her talent in art and music, etc. And I try to connect to them, so they have a place for me in their hearts too. However, it isn’t always like this.

However, it isn’t always like this. Isshi, visual rock musician from Japan, passed away 6 years ago. My Norwegian friends and Finnish friends always hang out with the people who do the same things like them, which is not what I am doing. I am so tired of forcing myself loving something I am not interested. I will miss the speech by Erik Johansson in Helsingborg, while I planned to travel in Aarhus, Denmark. I wish I can hear him speaking his mother tongue, Swedish, and say hello.

Life is always like this. Imperfectness everywhere.

—–

But it isn’t that important now. I sat on the balcony and watch the sun, imagining Erik speaking Swedish to me, while I use my elementary Norwegian skills to reply him. Dreams are perfectly beautiful only when they don’t come true yet. My imagination of having a strong relationship with my favourite people lead me to somewhere I may never be, creating thousands of beautiful nights with tears. It is just so nice when I can do this. love someone without letting anyone know.

And thus I am good.

Grey

Sometimes I just cry for no reason. I feel hard to enjoy the happiness of food, music, and art. Music practice is just practice. I feel tired to go exercise. I feel guilty when I can’t study efficiently, but I just can’t focus very well. I feel a headache in class when I can’t understand anything.

I have to adjust my gesture every minute. So I don’t get distracted by the twisting feeling on my back. I get easily disturbed by someone’s cough, laugh, and talk when studying or sleeping. But I can imagine what will happen if I ask people to be quiet — I will be blamed and upset.

I haven’t been hugged for months.

I can’t help comparing myself to others.I feel anxious about finding a loved person.

I feel anxious about finding a loved person.

I don’t want to pretend to be happy. I need help.

I want to go on a road trip this weekend. I want someone I like text me. Right now.