28.04.2017

For the first time, I searched “is this world getting worse?” 

Recently I can’t help remembering the past, I listen to the music, watch the films that are part of my childhood memory. 

Unfortunately my effort is never going to revive the old time. If the places I dreamed once can be found in the true world, they will always gonna be impure. 

Because the world is getting worse, or maybe it’s because of me. As I grow up I can’t help seeing the dark side of everything. What for? I don’t want anyone see the bad thing of me, especially people I like the most. But no one wants me to be like that. Totally unnecessary effort of self-torture. 

I just want to be happy by myself now.

22.04.2017

I was thinking about doing visual kei makeup and kimono for Prez Ball in order to look unique. But I know it only makes me a weirdo and people will be staring at me, because I have done this in a new year ball when I was in high school. 

So, tonight I stayed with myself. I called my parents about my thoughts, and they told me that if I don’t fit with this world, I should choose to fit with myself because I’m going to create a new one. 

09.04.2017

IMG_2173This is my phone number. I have been using it for 10 years since I got my first phone. It was in primary school, when we trust people and make new friends easily. When we graduate in 2009, we told each other: we are friends now and forever. I promised from my heart that even after several decades, they are able to stay in touch with me.

I still believe that one day someone who has my phone number will remember me, and want to message me, how are you doing? As we grow up, we all moved to different places, greet new people and find new experiences. We learn the stradegies to stay on the top and not get defeated, we learn what the others are actually saying… Our focus is more on ourselves.

I still use that phone number. Sometimes I pick up unknown calls with some expectations and excitement, but all I get is spams. I wonder where these people, the people I once trusted and wanted to be friends with forever, disappeared.

Time keeps killing us.

01.04.2017

This one is serious.

Mom just skyped me yesterday that she and my dad plan to move to Hangzhou, my dad’s hometown due to the health condition of my grandpa and grandma. They will soon find new jobs and say goodbye to the apartment in Beijing, where we have lived since I was 4. 

I had my personal room in this home until last year when my parents decided to refurnish the entire home. At that time I just enrolled the college in another country. The bed I used for 10 years and the desk I used for about 15 years were all sold. When I was back for summer — I don’t see anything that evoke my memory about my home, where I played with my friends, quarreled with my parents, …

My grandparents… I love them. I love their food and pocket money, but most importantly, they devote themselves to their children as well as the children of their children(that is me and my cousin). They are getting older. One day I will see someone who I have get used to seeing them every year disappear… Things we think will always be here are eventually going to fade away. The house, the school we treated as second home, the city we live in, and at the end our family. 

Your time is limited. Use every second to love, stay alive. I’m serious.